As stepmoms, we know there are struggles we have that are different than those of a biological mom. We work hard to forge a bond and create trust with our stepchildren. There is often misunderstanding by us and about us. We struggle to find our roles in their lives. I think the differences are most apparent to women who hold the dual role of being biological mom AND stepmom.
A few weeks back I asked my readers to share their experiences with this and I got some great feedback! Since I've only served in the stepmom role, I don't know what it's like to live in both roles and I just loved gaining insight into this situation! I wanted to share one reader's story with all of you. She writes...
"My husband and I are blessed with 3 beautiful and smart girls who get along beautifully with each other. My husband is hands-down the best daddy this side of heaven to all 3 girls.
Here’s our deal: I entered this marriage with one biological child. I have sole custody of her and she lives with us full-time. My husband and I provide for ALL of her needs without any support from her biological father. My husband came to the marriage with two biological daughters. He shares joint custody with his ex-wife, pays child support payment and medical insurance, as well as half of education and medical expenses. All 3 girls are presently under the age of 12.
Early in our marriage during a discussion about our blended family, my husband said to me “There are no stepchildren here”. He articulated that in this home ALL 3 girls are HIS daughters and ALL 3 girls are MY daughters. That phrase has never left my heart and mind probably because both my head and heart don’t agree with it. Okay, so I protect, provide for, and pray for all 3 children. I want each child to be the best she can be and to do well in life. I hold high expectations for each and every one. I love them all. But, I can’t quite agree with that statement.
"There are no stepchildren here". There are differences that clearly demonstrate that the relationships within this LOVING home are that of stepchildren and stepparents. If I had 3 daughters, I would fill the MOM role to 3 children. My stepdaughters have a mom. In fact, she's a great mom. I have battled with feeling like a non-entity. Invisible. Irrelevant. Insignificant. I financially support the girls, but they won't understand that until they are grown. Though I love all 3 of my daughters, there are many differences between mom and stepmom.
My relationship and bond with my biological daughter predates the relationship I have with my husband. Most days I feel that I am being the mother God is calling me to be. This has been the highest calling on my life and, as a result, the most fulfilling. I always sense God’s presence and direction in this area of my life. My biological daughter and I have a bond that I cherish more than anything. I am her biggest fan. My biological child needs me. She seeks me at the beginning and end of every day for an opening or closing of her day. When she is sick in the middle of the night, she calls for me. When she needs or wants anything she comes to me. She writes me letters, sends me emails, buys me gifts, draws me pictures, holds my hand, etc. She seeks my approval and encouragement.
Now that we’ve been married several years my daughter and husband have certainly bonded. She seeks his approval and encouragement, she feels safer when he is around, and she turns to him for some of her needs and wants. It has helped that she lives with us full-time. He would do anything for her and works hard to keep this roof over her head, food on her plate, and keep her safe at all times. He has been a huge blessing in her life and I thank God often for giving my daughter a loving and protective father.
My husband’s soul is at peace when we have all 3 children under our roof. He lights up when he sees his biological girls. He is so gentle when speaking to his girls and it is obvious that he thrives when interacting with them. He makes a concerted effort to protect his work schedule on the days of the week when my stepchildren are here. Yes, this means that he works longer hours and fills his schedule on the days when it is just the 3 of us. “There are no stepchildren here”. I do not mention this with any bitterness or disappointment. In fact, I understand and agree. It also just validates my feelings that there ARE stepchildren here. This IS a blended family. There ARE differences and “life” constantly reminds me.
A mother knows how her child is doing in school. I never see report cards for my stepchildren. In all fairness, my husband doesn’t always receive a copy either. I am not included or invited to parent-teacher conferences. In all fairness again, sometimes my husband isn’t informed either by his ex-wife. So let’s just back this up…. A mother will receive communication from her child’s school. I, (we) receive nothing even when he has repeatedly asked the school and ex-wife. I bet I am not even listed as an emergency contact on important documents. “There are no stepchildren here”.
This past school year one of the daughters decided she wasn’t going to do her work at school and was making poor social choices as well. I found out about this because I called my husband on my way home from work and he wasn’t able to talk because he was in the middle of a parent-teacher conference with the teacher, ex-wife, and the daughter. In that moment she was THEIR daughter. Certainly not MY daughter because a mother would’ve been informed, right? I found out by default. My husband would’ve told me that night but again the voices in my head hear, “There are no stepchildren here”.
A mother gets acknowledged on Mother’s Day. I have had 5 mother’s days as a stepmom. There have been a few years where my husband got a card and had all 3 kids sign it. Mother’s Day falls on a Sunday so typically we don’t have all 3 kids under our roof on a Sunday. Every year I secretly hope that the stepgirls will still tell me something, anything, when they see me even if it isn’t Mother’s Day yet or anymore. I also secretly hope that the mother of my stepchildren will have them call or text “Happy Mother’s Day” or “Thanks for helping to take care of us when we’re at dad’s”, but I am still waiting. “There are no stepchildren here”.
A mother knows, or should know, where her children are at all times. My stepchildren are involved in extracurricular activities that I have no clue about times and locations. They go on road trips and vacations with their mother and I have no clue where they’re going and when they’ll return. Of course I (we) find out eventually usually from the kids but I have to inquire. Nothing is ever just offered out of courtesy or respect. What I have learned is that a stepmom is last to know, if even then. “There are no stepchildren here”.
A mother knows when her child is sick. One of the girls has a medical condition that she was supposed to outgrow by a certain age. I constantly ask for updates and details about this condition but, because my husband isn’t provided the details, neither am I. My husband has suggested to me several times that I could simply take my stepdaughter to the doctor myself to get the answers. However, I don’t want to waste the doctor’s time since he has already seen the child. Also, since we cover medical insurance and half of medical costs we have already paid for these answers. Why can’t we be kept in the loop? “There are no stepchildren here”.
At the end of the day, I am a mom and I am a stepmom. I have a daughter and I have stepdaughters. At the same time, I am a bonus feature. I am an enhancement to their life. I have this opportunity to be a positive role model in the lives of two precious girls. I will love their father and teach them about marriage through our example. I will strive to support my husband so he can be the father he is called to be. I will strive to create and maintain a calm, structured, and loving home. Finally, my prayers will remain that God blesses and protects the children in this family. May He grant them favor in life and pour His grace, love, and mercy down on them every moment of every day."
What a beautiful story! I love the honesty and vulnerability she writes with! I know I have often struggled with feeling insignificant in my stepchildren's lives. Many stepmoms (myself included) can sometimes feel as if we have all the responsibilities of a biological mom with none of the priviledges. This can be a great source of frustration for us! But, I think we have to focus on what we DO have and that is an opportunity to be quite impactful (positive or negative) on our stepchildren's lives.
Our actions and thoughts must revolve around that truth. Even when we feel unimportant to them, we are still setting an example for them. Especially if our children our young! So let's keep our heads up and keep loving and supporting them. Keep seeking to understand them and bond with them. And always keep praying for them.
Much love,
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