His kids, our kids, my stepkids, my skids, my kids…what do you call yours? From very early on, I referred to my stepsons my boys. This came pretty natural to me although it was a bit uncomfortable to say at first. I mean, I didn’t bear them from my womb, but they are still gifts from God given specifically to me. I hope to shed some light on a question most people wonder, but never ask: why do you call your husband’s children your children?
There are several reasons why I call my stepsons my sons. First, I seek to promote unity within our family. I came into a relationship that was already formed and cemented. Now, I’m attempting to create my own relationship with each of them. I want them to know how important they are to me and that I think of them as my own. When I hear someone tell their husband “Your child needs to take out the trash”, I cringe. Wow! How bad must that child feel? (and his father). Even though it’s true that this child is not your biological child, these words are almost always said in contempt. And they only serve to divide the family and alienate the child. I’m very intentional about welcoming my kids with open arms. That has gone a long way towards strong family unity.
I also want to be a maternal figure to them. When my husband and I became engaged, we discussed what my role as a stepmom would be. He wanted me to be an active caretaker in their life--attending extracurricular events, taking them to school and encourage and disciplining them. This was the role I was looking for too. Since then, I have become a very involved stepmom attending parent-teacher conferences, taking them to doctor’s appointments and praying with and for them. My stepsons have been very open to having a relationship with me and I am so thankful. (It’s an incredible struggle when stepchildren fight against that relationship or even your presence alone. If this is you, hang in there! )
Finally, my own family is a “non-traditional” family. My dad is not my biological father, but he adopted me at age 7. Make no mistake, he IS my dad and his family is my family. They are incredible people and I am so blessed to have them in my life. My mom and dad started dating when I was three, so I don’t remember a time without him (or them). They have taken me in just as if I was born into the family. Growing up this way has framed my view that blood alone does not make a family. It’s the never-ending love, support, understanding and encouragement that has made them my family—not genetics. I want this in my household too!
However, referring to your husband’s children as your own children is not for everyone. These are my reasons, but they may not fit for you at all. That in no way makes you a bad stepmom! You may not want to call them your kids for a variety of reasons. Perhaps your husband or stepchildren aren’t comfortable with it. That could be because the child is older, very loyal to mom, etc. Maybe the relationship between you and your stepchildren is quite a struggle and calling them your own doesn’t feel genuine. That’s ok! If it’s not out of a true spirit of love, then certainly don’t call them yours.
I am not trying to fool anyone into believing that I am their biological mother. I have no expectation that they will ever call me “mom”. When we are out as a family or with our extended families, people will often refer to me as their mom. Sometimes the boys correct them and it certainly stings; most often they don’t. I understand that they may be comfortable with this most of the time, but in certain situations they aren’t. I give them the freedom to respond however they are most comfortable with. I make sure to introduce myself to teachers and other parents as their stepmom so I don’t minimize their mom in any way (and to avoid inevitable confusion). But when talking to my friends and co-workers (and even when introducing them), I call them my boys. I think of them in my heart of heart as my sons. My family has adopted them as their own. When my husband and I have a child together, they will still be my boys. And I’m very thankful for that.
